Have you noticed that your child’s focus is often on a screen instead of you, even though you are only three feet away?  What is he viewing?  Who is she messaging?  Suddenly you have been crowded out by a large number of unknown people—your child’s social media “friends”—many of whom your child has never met in person.  To avoid feeling shut out while your child’s social media use is out of control, help them learn to handle social media responsibly.

Who are all these people online and why is my teen so enthralled?

Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr, WhatsApp and other messaging services, as well as some videogames (Pokémon Go and World of Warcraft) are common social media that allow people to communicate with one another.  Some sites are populated mainly by participants who know the user; sometimes the participants are strangers.  It is important to know the range of people your teen is reaching.

Why the teenage obsession with social media?

Belonging is most important to teenagers, and social media provides that opportunity free and within fairly reasonable limits.  Adolescents can reach out to their existing friends (without having to actually utter a word) and make new acquaintances without meeting in person.  They can entertain themselves and keep up with people, trends or information. For teens, social media is efficient and easy to use.  As parents, social media safety and limits that maintain reasonable use are the main concerns.

Words of caution concerning social media

In their quest to belong and have friends, teenagers often fail to exercise caution when forging connections through social media. They sometimes mistakenly believe that the number of their friends or followers on social media are measures of their own worth. They more realistically indicate how many people want access to your information.  Beware of “good friends” you have never met in person or spent time with face-to-face.

And parents must explain to their children that not everything shared on social media is true and nothing is fully deleted from cyberspace.  Some people lie on social media to look better, get attention from others or extract revenge.  Others seek or manufacture drama via social media for excitement.  And a virtual web of lies and insults on social media can be as hurtful and destructive as barbs that are told in-person.

Set limits

It is important that a parent read the terms of use of social media with their pre-teen before allowing him to use it.  Each social media source has its rules and the user must comply. Beyond those terms, parents must set their own rules concerning social media use.  Teenagers may balk when parents set limits on involvement with social media (especially if rules are being set retroactively).  Parents: Do it anyway.

• Set hours when your teens may be on social media (it’s reasonable to allow teens to use social media between 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. but never during class, meals or family time.  Sign off by 9:00 p.m. and store the online devices away from the bedroom, so your teen can sleep.  If your teen lies, sneaks or manipulates in an attempt to get back on social media, reduce the time further.

• Prohibit texting or sharing inappropriate personal pictures electronically.  Remind your child that no social media friend or acquaintance may demand the electronically sharing of inappropriate pictures or personal information.  If those threats begin, that connection must end.

• Review your child’s social media use regularly.  If she is unduly concerned about things being said over social media or is being abused or bullied, those connections must end.

• Teach your child to ask himself if what he is going to share with others via social media is true or helpful and would he be okay with grandma seeing it? If the answer to any of those considerations is “no,” that messaging must end.   

Bottom line: Your teen must be selective and control social media; social media cannot be allowed to control your child.

Strive for moderation and balance in social media use

While setting limits with the use of social media, assure that your child has appropriate in-person social interaction with others to balance the time spent with others online.  Encourage your child to spend time reading other material that is not on a screen.  Insist that the family spend time together without electronic devices.  Help the child structure time to exercise, develop a hobby or do creative projects individually or together.  If your children get their social needs and desires for more stimulation fulfilled by interacting directly with people face-to-face, the need for social media will lessen.

Be a good role model

If your nose is always to the screen and your thumbs are flying across the keyboard, your teenage child will figure it is fine for him to do that, too.  Be intentional about your own use of social media when spending time with or around your child.  Turn off your electronic device when you are with your child and he, in turn, will learn (with some prompting) to grant the same respect to you and others. •